On friends, again; El jefe; riding the fence; or a man with two hats

A friend of mine has commented lately on how some of his friendships seemed strained at the office. The situation seems to be exasperated because he is friends with his co-workers but also their boss. It made me think of a similar situation that I was in years ago, and still have to deal with on occasion.

Years ago, I was the low man on the totem pole in a local survey and engineering firm. I worked hard and I was friends with everyone at the office. I was always part of “the gang” at work. Every one always told me their little tid-bits of news, how their weekends were, who did what with whom. I was invited to, and in actuality, organized most of the after hours social activities. Yep, I was a social instigator.

As years went along, my professional status evolved, as it should, and I started to work my way “up the ladder” so to speak. Eventually I was the chief surveyor in our company for the New England region. I still instigated much of our after hour events. As we hadn’t really added to or subtracted from the core group of friends, there wasn’t really that manager/employee division in the group. There were some undertones, as I was the boss after-all, but we were all friends first, and we had a mutual respect for each others professional positions and the responsibilities that they carried. We could wear our different “hats” to fit the occasion that was demanded and not feel the sting if “manager” had to over-ride “friend”.

Time passed and our workplace evolved. New people arrived and most of the old crew moved on. I started to become “management” to the new people, although I worked very hard at trying to maintain my position as a friend and confidant with everyone and a member of the group. It was a lot of work and it seemed more often than not, if there was going to be a conflict of interest, I would take the hit rather than lose position in the group of friends. Not the best tactic as a manager…or really as a friend. Respect declines. Stress builds and bad feeling fester.
Work began demanding harder choices that I couldn’t shoulder myself. I had to delegate responsibilities or make difficult choices that effected others life’s. It is very difficult to tell your hiking partner or drinking buddy or office confidant to that they have to shape up…that work was not getting done, they had to work the holiday weekend or that there wasn’t any work and that I had to let them go.

That is when the lesson commenced. A wise old Texan, my boss and mentor, took me for a ride to check out a job a few hours a way. We had long conversation about work, Texas, hunting, fishing, trucks, experiences and …management. He said to me, “Boy, you’re riding the fence! You’re trying to wear two hats and you only got one head and you’re bustin’ your own balls straddlin’ that fence. You gotta be a man, decide what side of the fence your going to be on, and get there.”

That was tough advice. To this day, maybe 10 years later, an entirely different company and different group of people, I still struggle with this. I still work with one friend from the old days, and in fact she is one of my very best friends, as well as friends with my wife Tracy. Being her boss is very challenging, but I am extremely lucky that she is such a nice person, an excellent worker and someone that would never take advantage of friendship as an employee. I think that is a lucky break on my part and very rare in the workplace between different levels of management. In my other work relationships, I still try to maintain a friendly atmosphere and hope that I am liked, but I have to remember which hat I really wear. As a boss, I have three jobs, to serve and protect the company owners, to serve and protect my clients, and to serve and protect my staff. Sometimes, difficult decisions have to be made that hopefully work to the greater good, but not necessarily in the interest of an individual. I can’t necessarily keep that hat of friend and nice guy. I think if you asked, you would find that I am a relatively easy going guy, I let my staff work on their own terms and don’t fret about “power” items, because this gang gets the work done so well and are happier to be let alone and given the respect that I know they will get the job done. I’m happier to let people alone while things are going well.

That big Texan taught me so many things, much about surveying, about management, about relationships and about being friends. I don’t always agree that you have to pick a side and wear only one hat, but if you at least remember the concept and then make your choices consciously and purposefully, you may find yourself a happier healthier person at work, and your co-workers and friend will respect you more for it.